ROFL: Redundancy and Other Fancy Language

You've heard the saying "what a difference a day makes" right? Well, how about what a difference a few less words make? Many of us believe that a wordy sentence or a sentence that uses academic language (big words) automatically makes said sentence read more eloquently. Not true. The trick to writing a good sentence is not in the number of words used, or the need for a dictionary to understand it. The goal is to communicate the message as simply as possible, while keeping in mind the intended audience's reading level and knowledge of the topic.

Read the before and after sentences below and see if you can come up with other ways to simplify them. Take it a little further and re-read an article in your favorite publication, a set of how-to instructions, a passage from the novel you're reading, or even the post you're reading right now to determine if the writer could have deleted five or six words, or replaced two words with one, and still retained the meaning.

Sample #1

Before
If the location of the land is in a state other than the state in which the tribe’s reservation is located, the tribe’s justification of anticipated benefits from the acquisition will be subject to greater scrutiny.

After
If the land is in a different state than the tribe's reservation, we will scrutinize the tribe's justification of anticipated benefits more thoroughly.

Sample #2

Before
When the process of freeing a vehicle that has been stuck results in ruts or holes, the operator will fill the rut or hole created by such activity before removing the vehicle from the immediate area.

After
If you make a hole while freeing a stuck vehicle, you must fill the hole before you drive away.

Sample #3

Before
Under 25 CFR §1.4(b), the Secretary of the Interior may in specific cases or in specific geographic areas, adopt or make applicable to off-reservation Indian lands all or any part of such laws, ordinances, codes, resolutions, rules or other regulations of the State and political subdivisions in which the land is located as the Secretary shall determine to be in the best interest of the Indian owner or owners in achieving the highest and best use of such property.

After
Section 1.4(b) of 25 CFR allows us to make State or local laws or regulations apply to your off-reservation lands. We will do this only if we find that it will help you to achieve the highest and best use of your lands.

Sample #4

Before
Sections 4.40 through 4.71 do not apply to Indian probate proceedings, heirship determinations under the White Earth Reservation Land Settlement Act of 1985, and other proceedings under subpart D of this part, except that §§ 4.40 through 4.71 do apply to cases referred to an administrative law judge pursuant to § 4.337(a).

After
Unless a case is referred to an administrative law judge under § 4.337(a), §§ 4.40 through 4.71 do not apply to:

1. Indian probate proceedings;
2. Heirship determinations under the White Earth Reservation Land Settlement Act of 1985; and
3. Other proceedings under subpart D of this part.

Sample #5

Before
If a deponent fails to answer a question propounded, or a party upon whom a request is made under § 4.70, or a party on whom interrogatories are served fails to adequately respond or objects to the request, or any part thereof, or fails to permit inspection as requested, the discovering party may move the administrative law judge for an order compelling a response or inspection in accordance with the request.

After
You may move the administrative law judge for an order compelling a response or inspection if:

1. A deponent fails to answer a question;
2. A party upon whom you made a request under § 4.70, or a party on whom you served interrogatories either does not adequately respond or objects to the request; or
3. A party on whom you made a request under § 4.70, or a party on whom interrogatories are served does not permit inspection as requested.
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Jennifer's Note:
I can't take credit for these great examples. I present them courtesy of PlainLanguage.gov - Improving Communication from the Federal Government to the Public. This site offers great resources for writers and editors tasked with communicating and translating "government talk."

The Disagreement: A Story in the Town of Grammarville

Once upon a time in the town of Grammarville, in the tight-knit neigborhood of Sentence, there lived a subject and a verb who never agreed on anything. When the subject was singular, the verb was plural; when the verb was singular, the subject thought it best to be plural. As you can imagine, this caused a great deal of confusion with the other residents of Sentence. The prepositional phrases, adverbs, and dangling participles protested whenever the pair were seen together. For they were breaking a town ordinance.
"Stop this madness! Because of you two, the rest of us do not make sense!" they'd shout.

Feed up, a gang of prepositional phrases gathered other Sentence residents for an impromptu street hall meeting. A brave participle was sent to advise the subject and verb of their required presence. Even though these two had been villainized, they too wanted a resolution to the problem, and eagerly accompanied the participle back to the meeting place. For two days and two nights the attendees debated, and shouted, and cried, and pleaded. But then, at an hour before the beginning of the third day, laughter and singing were the dominating sounds.

To everyone's delight, the residents emerged from the street hall meeting having reached an agreement. They announced that the subject and verb had agreed to agree in what would come to be known as the "Great Subject-Verb Agreement." The town ordinance was amended and changed to a law; the punishment for not adhering to it was the label of being "grammatically incorrect."

Here are nine highlights from the subject-verb tenets comprising the Agreement (color coordinated for your reading pleasure):

1.Singular indefinite pronoun subjects take singular verbs.
Ex: No one wants to eat the last piece of cake.

2. Inverted subjects (when the verb comes before the subject) must agree with the verb.
Ex: There are three cars to tow.

3. A phrase or clause between a subject and verb does not change the number of the subject.
Ex: A box of stale cereal sits on the counter.

4. For compound subjects joined by or/nor, the verb agrees with the subject closer to it.
Ex: Neither the buyer nor the sellers are interested in paying the closing cost.

5. Collective nouns may be singular or plural depending on how they behave in the sentence.
Ex: The Senate has decided not to convene today. (as a collective unit)
Ex: The Senate members have decided not to meet. (as individuals)

6. Compound subjects joined by and are always require a plural verb.
Ex: A writer and his pen make an attractive couple.

7. Plural form subjects with a plural meaning require a plural verb.
Ex: The scissors are a dangerous toy.

8. Titles of single entities require a singular verb.
Ex: The Bridges of Madison County is an interesting read.

9. With a subject and subject complement of a different number, the verb must agree with the subject.
Ex: The topic for today is relationships.


(The nine rules aren't mine, of course, but my little Grammarville story is a Jennifer Singleton special creation.)