Addiction

Around 2pm today, I was sitting at my desk and feeling a bit sluggish after having not gotten much sleep last night. I decided to take a quick walk to Starbucks for a venti misto, no foam. I walked through the busy food court like I always do and checked out my side profile in store windows like I always do. But something caught my eye that disturbed me greatly....it was a stunning realization.

I looked pregnant. 

The flowy summer dress I wore today looked like a maternity dress to me. My son just turned one a few days ago. My abdominal muscles have still not recovered. I could hardly believe how pregnant I looked in this dress. I knew I had some belly pudge going on that I've been battling with. But this was stunning to me. 

I then wondered how many of my coworkers noticed. How many, if any, wondered if I was expecting and not announcing yet. I was overcome with shame as I sucked in my tummy as best I could; got my coffee; and scurried back to my desk, looking at people's faces to see if they were glancing down at me. 

I had a Carrie fantasy where I imagined the food court spinning and everyone staring at my belly and pointing, while my wicked mother harps in the background "they're all going to laugh at you...they're all going to laugh at you!"

I reached the safety of my floor and spotted a coworker who I started to talk to about my revelation that I looked to be expecting again. 

I was assured that people didn't think that...but received no assurance that no I did not look pregnant. 

I knew then that  a drastic change was needed. 

I told my coworker who I often speak with about food and dieting that sugar addiction (my ailment) is one of the few addictions that you can't hide. 

If I was a drug addict, gambling addict, alcoholic, or sex addict, my secret shame would be my own business unless my behavior became concerning enough that people started to have suspicions. But other than that, I would look as normal as anyone else. 

Food addiction is something that you cannot hide for long before you body tells the world your secret. As you walk around checking out your side profile in store windows; as you sit down and instinctively tug at your blouse or shirt to remove it from your folds of fat; as clothes refuse to accommodate you in the dressing room; as you sit on the bus or train and other commuters board and decide not to sit next to you because your thighs are taking up just a tad too much of their would-be seat; as you dress for fall or winter during the hot summer months because you just don't have the body to flaunt in clothes more appropriate for the season. 

As you do all these things, people notice. Your addiction and struggle is showing. You can be in a room full of non-food/sugar addicts and you will be the only who stands out for having the least amount of willpower out of everyone else. 

Food. Sugar. Carbs. Salt. Whatever your vice. It's a vice you share with strangers every day. They look at you and know at least one thing about you. When you're fat, everyone knows at least one thing about you. But you don't get the same privilege unless you actually know them.

Life is funny like that. 

I made an appointment today for a holistic approach to weight loss. Looking at myself today confirmed that what I've been doing is not working. Perhaps some insight will assist.